Tag Archives: depression

Back on track

OK, so I haven’t done a good job of writing. I still find excuses to keep from bareing my soul to the world, like doing pretty much anything else than writing. I really do think about this blog, I even think of clever things to share. But I’m usually not anywhere I can write when I do. But I know I need to write. Writing is theraputic. Writing is good for me. Writing is how I can make myself be a little more human.

I know that last thing sounded a little weird. But I really do feel that way. I can so easily close myself up here in the house and keep everything to myself. Sure, I go to work and deal with the public all day long, but I don’t share anything more than anticdotes with them. My staff knows me, and a few of my peers do. We have a small group of friends, and that’s about it. I don’t really have to go out of my way to be open to anyone other than K and the Wildman most days. But if I write, I’m forced to open myself up to anyone who bothers to read, and I feel like that makes me be a little more human.

So here I am. I’ve been working to be a better me so far this year, like I said I wanted to be back in January. I’m working hard at work to give it my all. I’m trying to have more fun. I planned a great vacation that I think we all enjoyed, even took my Mom along. We went to Universal Studios and played Wizards and Witches for 3 days in the Florida sun. I think we all needed to have fun and spend some quality time together. And I’ve made sure I’ve planned my time at work so that I get to not only spend time with the guys this summer but also get to take a week to lay in the sun and relax with my girls. Last summer two of my best girlfriends from high school and I took  a week and escaped from the rest of the world, reconnected and had a wonderful time. We’re doing it again this year. I have learned that if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t expect anyone else to. And if I don’t love myself, no one else should be expected to either.image

I am going to work more on doing something meaningful for myself at least once a week, as well as doing something for the boys. Last night I had a “dinner date” with the Wildman and we talked and laughed and shared some time. It might not have meant much to him – I think he was annoyed that I won’t let him use his ipod or phone – but maybe some day he’ll appreciate it as much as I did. Tonight I’m fixing K some of his favorite food for dinner and trying to take care of some things here at home so he doesn’t have to. Not big things, but thoughtful things. Things that make me feel good to do them.

I guess my point is this – it’s a conscious decision every day to be happy, to be human, and to actively live life. Some days it is a stuggle, but I’m going to do it.


Ms. Super Tough

Okay, so it’s been almost a month since my last post. But only almost, not quite. So I’m not a total slacker, right?

I figured out what’s held me back from writing. I realized when I’m just writing about our normal everyday lives and such, it’s much easier than writing anything about me that has real weight. (Not my weight, although that does weigh into it but we’ll get to that later.) Anyone who knows me well knows I’m a pretty private person. At this point you’re probably asking why I ever started a blog in the first place. Well, I’m private about myself. I don’t mind telling the world about anything Kev and the Wildman are up to, especially if it’s funny. I’m especially uneasy sharing my struggles and anything that could appear as a weakness. Because I’m super tough – can’t you just tell that by looking?

10430895_10205486622512498_1569430663930111882_nSee? Super tough.

Anyway, back on point. I’ve been putting off writing because I didn’t want to talk about the hard stuff. It’s much easier to convince myself that I should be catching up on Downton Abbey or planning to redecorate the living room. But this time I won’t. This time I’ll write something instead.

I mentioned in my last post that the previous year or two were difficult. I refused to find happiness. It wasn’t always a conscious decision, but it was a decision nonetheless. Some days I did nothing at all outside of sitting at home and wishing I were somewhere else. Other days I went through my day at work or wherever I was with the minimal effort or true involvement. I didn’t take care of myself, and really did the least I could get away with.

But I want this year to be different. This year I’m going to live. I want to have fun with friends and the family and make more happy memories. I want to put an effort into my work so I can fully enjoy the rewards of knowing I gave it my best. I’m going to take better care of my body, my mind and my soul. I’m going to share more with the people I love and who love me.

I started with this blog. I want to find the fun and humor in every day life again and share it with you. Second, I recommitted myself to my work and my job. I told my boss I know I haven’t given her my best effort, and I’m tired of being mediocre. That’s not how I roll. And speaking of rolling, I’m going to take better care of my self by starting to eat healthier and get some exercise. I’m not happy with how I’ve let myself go, and I’m going to do something about it.

And I’m still going to have bad days, I know that. And that’s okay. But I’m not going to let the bad days become bad weeks, months and years. I’m going to turn up the music and dance – no matter how hard the Wildman laughs at me. And I’m going to live.


Hitting the Reset Button

Remember back in the olden days when we first had video games in our homes? If you were playing a game and didn’t like how things were going, there was this magic little button you could push and everything would just start all over. Just hit “reset” and you got a fresh start. Now, this sounds like a great thing, unless you happened to be playing a 2 player game and you were beating your little sister, who then decided to hit “reset” and all your hard work was erased in the blink of an eye. Then it was a terrible thing and you suddenly had homicidal thoughts about your own flesh and blood. But right now I want you to think about it as a great thing.

Don’t you just wish you had one of those buttons some days? Or maybe weeks or years? I know I do. The last couple of years have been tough for me. The relocation didn’t sit well with me. That’s why I haven’t written. I’ve thought about it many times, but I didn’t want to explain why the long absence. But I spent most of the last 2 years in a deep depression, a dark place that was of my own making in many ways. However, 2014 did bring me some very bright spots and many happy days. I laughed more and remembered how to have fun. I reconnected with friends I love and was able to spend quality time with them. We had good times with friends we’ve made here in Savannah. And to top it all off, I had family with me on Christmas for the first time in 8 years. There were memories made that I will treasure forever.

This place is too beautiful not to enjoy it.

This place is too beautiful not to enjoy it.

Most of all though, I realized that life has to be lived. You get out of it what you put into it, and if you aren’t putting any fun into life, you won’t get any out of it.

So I’m hitting my reset button for 2015. While I could make many resolutions, I’m just making a statement: This year, I’m going to live my life and not just let it happen. That’s going to encompass all for me. I’m going to do away with the negativity and focus on the fun. Every day I’m going to wake up and LIVE.